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Last Hope

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"And the blood in these veins isn't pumping any less then it ever had
And that's the hope that I have it's the only thing I know, it's keeping me alive"

(Paramore - Last Hope)

In the beginning of his year, I had a contract to publish my book, a dream in production, a promise of a brighter future, and taken the first step to become the one I want to be...
Now, finishing August, two weeks away from my 21st birthday, I got a broken contract, a dream on pieces, a future that seems to darken every second and having to delay this dream once again.

"I don't even know myself at all
I thought I would be happy by now"


And all I can think the past days while crying my heart out is... How? How in few months I come to this? How did all the good things come to break and become problems? How come Those three "friends" make me a fool for 4 months? How come...? How a year that begin so good come to end in this badly and tragic way?
They say "It's always darkest before the dawn"

"But the more I try to push it, I realize
Gotta let go of control"


I heard this song from my CD another day, I found myself related with it in so many deep ways... I thought that by now, while the biggest book event it's happening in my state, I would have my book, I would go in as an "author", I would talk to a few readers to know their opinion about my story, I would sign a book or book marker for them, I would have my little piece of dreams in my arms and on the hands of people that I hope they would love it my work as much as I do... I thought that by now, I would be living a little piece of heaven...

"Every night I try my best to dream
Tomorrow makes it better
And I wake up to the cold reality
That not a thing is changed"


But that's not happening. My family has a hundred problems, I got a health problem, my book has to be delayed because in no kind of way I can turn to my family and say "I know we had no conditions, but help me with this, I have three hundred, but need more 2 thousand reais to invest on my book that I got no way to say if we will be able  to recover this money with it". I can't turn my back to these problems and I also can't pretend they aren't there.
I know it's nobodies fault, I was little situations that kept growing and all them hit at the same time and... I just lost it. I lost my way for few days until I realized what I was need to do.

"But It will happen... gonna let it happen".

And I can't stop crying while writing this because I feel like I've lost in the worst way possible: close to winning. They say a book it's like your son/daughter, if it's like this, then I'm in the moment that I went to my house one night and someone told me "You can't take care of the kid anymore, we will take it away until you can and we cannot give you any information".

"And the salt in my wounds
Isn't burning any more than it used to"

Right now, I just... try to come back together. I'm alive, I still have this dream, I still have this hope, I still am breathing, I'll keep fighting for this, I'll keep holding on this dream... It HURT.It hurt like hell having it to be delayed again with no preview of return, but as long as I breathe, I'll keep living for it.

"It's not that I don't feel the pain
It's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore" 

I'll try to do what I can as I can, I'll cry for a while? Yes, a lot because it hurt. It won't hurt any less than it hurts right now, I'll still feel the pain, I just come used to it.

"So if I let go of control, I can be stronger" </span>

I have too much to life yet, I have a lot to make, I lot to cry, and the double to laugh, I'll smile as much as I come sad and I'll come through. Because that's the kind of person I'm.
I'll never give up. I'll never surrender. I"m different.

"And that's the hope I have
The only thing that I know is keeping me alive, alive"

~-Samio-Ana/A. C. Lyoko
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© 2014 - 2024 Samio-Ana
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