I will never say this out loud...

15 years. This it's the age my youngest sister had come. Don't misunderstand, I'm happy for this, I really Am...

Or I like to believe so...

I was ok. Until a bit after I woke up, my grandma had come to my house. She said she had to come and give her a hug, 'cause it's not always we complete 15 years...

Then, my sister had gone to play out, she left money and said she was happy that she was able to go out with her friends. She left a note, money as a gift and leave.

Later, my mother had come home. After saying a lot of things I haven't done or done wrong, she was ok.

And at the end, I saw a message from my aunt. She was celebrating my sister birthday, being happy, thanking her from one time that she was sad with one thing and no one could make she smile, but my sister did.

And that was when I realized.

I painted my heart walls. Only one thing written all over: "Useless to the family"

I will never say this out loud.

It's funny. My birthday this year happened in a Sunday, after a vacation. I didn't received messagens, pictures, or even a call. Not by my cellphone, not by the telephone. I didn't received their visit or care. Most of them, were traveling to somewhere else.

I didn't received gifts. I didn't received money. And sometimes I had pretend I was playing with them by saying "hey, You could give me This/that thing as a late B-day gift!", They laugh, and so did I. I wouldn't show I really cared. I never did.

On a birthday, my house had the "tradition" of "the one who completes ages doesn't do a thing", but on my Birthdays were I had spend alone at home cause were on the week (not weekends) I had to do everything, Cause no one else did or would do it for me.

I always get on my birthday simple excuses, like "we are out money/having problems, so your present will be simple, don't mind ok?" Then, two months later my sister get a expensive gift that she was wanting for too long and they say "this coast a lot, so be carefull, ok?" and the nerxt year, the next and the other one it's like this.

I will never say this out loud, but my aunt didn't remember that had times that I would try to console her, and she send me away. That she would make me sad and I would pretend like was nothing. She doesn't remember that I never, EVER had forgot one of her birthdays and Always send a little gift, even if it was just a keychain. 

I will never say this out loud...

It's painful to see they care more about a silly girl who almost doesn't go there to visit them. That think it's foolish what you want to do or become one day. That most of times doesn't remember other birthdays if not herself... That almost never give something to someone if they won't give something back...

It's painful to see they really like, care and rather her than me almost all times. When they remember me it's asking for a favor or to ask something that's troublesome....

I will never say this out loud, but everytime I tried to show my true emotion, the hundreds of scars I have both physical and emotional, I was judged. The step of admiting to the world the problems I have to face and get over, it's the one I can't ever do it. So I just became like a twilight. Half on the light of sun, Half on the darkness of Night.

Then I'm judged because, for multiple times, I rather my friends than my family. I really think of my Friends as a second family. Because they're the ones who I can say this and not be judged, just... comforted.

Maybe this sound too dramatic, but, have you ever lived a life on the shadow of someone you love? Don't  get me worng, I love my sister, but it seems that everything I do it's not enough and all my chances and times that I try to get out of the shadow I have in my life, someone pull me in again. And on her Birthdays, it's always a time they do that.

It hurt, but I think the only time I'll break free from the shadows within me, it's when I get away and disappear of their World.

And, even with all this, I don't wanna do it. Not too soon...